Therapy doodle

Just getting out feelings

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Control Freak!

Control: n the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events. Synonyms: jurisdiction, sway, power, authority, command, dominance, government, mastery, leadership, rule, sovereignty, supremacy, ascendancy…                                                                   v determine the behavior or supervise the running of.                                    Synonyms: be in charge of, run, manage, direct, administer, head, preside over, supervise, superintend, steer…

I am a little bit of a control freak. -OK a lottle bit… I like schedules and plans. I like things to  be done a certain way. I make lists. I’m a chronic list maker. I make lists for my lists. In my household I want things done a certain way. When my husband and I lived alone (we now live in a large house with friends) I would not give him household chores to do because I wanted to do them *my* way. My way is the right way, and if I see someone do them the wrong way I will have to go over and fix it after they have completed the task.

Because of this, when we lived on our own I allowed a few things to go longer than I normally would have liked. vacuuming for example – I rarely did that, nor did I ask my husband to. After taking care of the most important daily chores like cooking, dishes, tending to the cats etc, I was too tired to clean the floors. I could have asked him to do it, and he would have. He is a fully grown man, and is capable of doing it just fine. BUT, because he wouldn’t have done it like I would have (moving furniture, using attachments etc) I would have had to go over everything again.

Since moving into a shared living space, I have had to let a lot of this go. It has taken some time, and I’m still letting things go. If something bothers me I just tell myself that it is going to be just fine, and it’s not the end of the world if they don’t do it like I do. Just as long as it gets done. Who cares if it takes longer, or more steps the way they do it. Who cares if they don’t move the couch when they clean the living room floor every time. its OK. Suck it up and deal with it.

I think there are two reasons that I have developed this controlling way of dealing with life. One is that it is just what I came out of as a kid. Both my father and grandmother are/were very particular with how they do things and live their life. With cleaning I was taught a specific way to do things. My grandmother was quite obsessive with her cleaning, and as my father gets older he becomes more obsessive with his cleaning. While I lived with him, he didn’t really do any cleaning, I was responsible for it all, but I had been trained by my grandmother, so I had her habits. He still had specific ways things were done, and ways things were put away. we all were grasping at things to hold on to create calm and order in our lives. Doing things precisely, efficiently, and well gave us that sense of control and order that we  needed. It created calm and cut down on so much of the chaos that was around us.

Now I can’t speak totally for my family. I don’t know why they started doing what they did. Why they needed to hold on to control so dearly, but I have an idea of why I need to.

My whole life has been chaotic. If you go back and read the ‘history of me’ pages, you can see that my timeline was full of upheaval, trauma, abandonment, fear, pain, sadness and loneliness. I would sit in my room some weekends and tear it up just so I could re-organize it. I would make all my books. music and magazines orderly, color co-ordinate my clothes, fold everything, make everything nice neat and square..

It just got worse as I got older. I became an odd mix of messy and clean. my apartments and cars were a hot mess, but I had things in certain orders, and my bathroom and kitchen were always spotless. I started to get sicker as I got older, but the doctors just blamed it on my weight and mental illness.

When you have no control over your body, when you try your hardest to be a ‘normal’ human being – you try to sleep normal hours and times, you try to eat normally and be active, and your body betrays you. What do you have left? You do simple things, like go for a half mile walk and you are practically bedridden for a week after that – its awful. You have no control over your body. You try so hard. You do what the doctors tell you to. You do your physical therapy, and it just makes you sicker. you try and try and try and then you cry. You end up in bed, because you can’t control your body. So, in the end you do your best, and control your environment. You make things look right. Creating order out of chaos in your environment is so soothing, and peaceful.

Taking a sponge and scrubbing something until it shines is so  satisfying. Making something look new again is one of the best feelings ever. I can’t take a sponge to myself. The pills don’t fix me. Nothing yet has taken the pain away. There is nothing around that will allow me to be active like I was again. I am an old 36. I can’t control that, but I can control the grease on the stove. I just have to find the balance between controlling things that I can handle, and becoming obsessed. There is a fine line, and I am treading it.

How our brains can betray us

I’ve been fairly stable for the past year. There have been a few little ups and downs here and there, but nothing serious. Earlier this week, I had this massive feeling of dread. I felt like something bad was going to happen. When I woke up I just felt kinda *meh*, then as time went on I continued to feel worse. I started getting a knot inside my stomach. I  was jittery and nervous. I had the feeling that I was going to be in trouble for something.I wrote this explaining how I felt to my friends in a group chat.

I just feel heavy and bad and anxious and like I’m in trouble. Like I’m standing in front of my dad; a little girl waiting for him to either yell at me or strike me down. I don’t know what to expect, so I’m bracing for the worst. I’m waiting for that first strike to land, and to try to stand strong, but not too strong. Because defiance is bad, but recoiling too much is bad too. I feel like I’m walking that tightrope of terror, not knowing if I’m going to make it to the end of not.

One of my friends made the comment that I might be anxious about the fact that I might be anxious about our upcoming move, and all that it entails. That I am worried about all the changes it will bring. I had therapy the day after this incident, so I told her that I would be discussing all these feelings with her.

I talked to my husband about how I was feeling as well, and the comments my friend made. He asked me if there was anything about the move that was making me anxious. I told him yes, there was. We had planned out when we moved into this apartment that ween it came time to move out, we would purchase plastic totes, and pack everything in them, and rent a u-haul to move everything all at one time for convenience and cost effectiveness. We are very very poor. Pretty much every dime is budgeted for. The thought of purchasing totes stressed me out in 2 ways.: 1) we would have to use my husband’s money he gets from plasma to buy the totes. 2) he donates plasma 2x/week. We would only be able to buy a few totes a week. I would not be able to pack the house up as fast as I want to. I would be left scrambling at the last-minute to finish packing, which bothers me immensely. We agreed on just using cardboard boxes, and that made me feel a teeny tiny bit better. I still wanted to puke and disappear though.

THe next day at my therapy appointment we discussed how I was feeling. We walked through a bunch of scenarios and I found that I was worried that my family would see my new housing arrangement similar to one that I had been in the past.

After my divorce, I lived with a man, a couple and their family. They were not good people. They were into bad things, and were unstable. I didn’t know they were into the bad things until after I moved away, though. I had hoped that I could make them better people when I lived with them. I did know they weren’t the best of people when I moved in, but I thought maybe I could be a good influence. Turns out when the woman attacked me while we were moving, I was wrong…(I always hope for the best in people)

The people I am moving in with now are good people. They are part of  my support group.We all take care of each other. We help each other when we are sick, depressed, anxious etc. We celebrate with each other, mourn with each other, and love each other.

I was afraid that my family would be concerned that I wasn’t going to be living in a safe situation again. I also was afraid that they would think less of me because we chose a different plan from our original one. We had initially planned to buy a manufactured home once my husband got on disability, so we would have some place to live that would be ours, and we wouldn’t have to worry about housing anymore.

This situation is better for us than buying a home at this junction. It keeps us in town, as we had planned to possibly move to Deer Park. It gives us a larger home with a large yard. It is within walking distance from a park, library, pool, walmart, safeway, dollar tree, rite aid, etc. It is in a good neighborhood.It saves us money. It has all the benefits of home ownership, without owning the home.(because my friend owns the house)

So, if my family remarks about our decision to move I have reasons why it is a safe and good choice.

After coming to this conclusion, I felt so much lighter, and the knot started working out of my stomach.

I was really worried that something was really wrong with me. Turns out I just had a little family stress, and it was all logically worked out.

You Caring – Dental work

So, I’ve needed a great deal of Dental work for quite some time. I’ve gotten into a clinic locally that helps low-income folks with their needs, but they can only get me so far. I have started a crowd-funding page for my excess expenses that I can’t hope to cover like crowns, and partials, or possibly a whole lower denture plate (depending on what they do with the remaining teeth I have on bottom) The fees for the crowns are greatly reduced at my clinic, but still out of my reach as I only get $820/month on disability. The crowns are $200 to get made, and $50 for the appointment to get them seated. For anyone that has had crowns done, that is incredible. I will need at least 8 crowns by the time I’m done. I’m hoping to save all the top teeth I have left, and get the partials or full denture on bottom (whichever is best) I’ve described why my teeth went bad in the link. I never did drugs, neglected my teeth or anything bad like that. I just had bad circumstances, and was/am poor. It is quite unfortunate that our medical system today pays so little care to oral health today. (same goes for eye health) Please, if you can share a little at the link. If you can’t share, pass the link on so others may see it and possibly share so I can get my teeth fixed sooner, and have 1 less thing to be hurting.

Thank-you

https://www.youcaring.com/candi-baker-526760

Been Awhile

It’s been awhile since I’ve written. Things have have been holding fairly steady. I still have moments when I get irrationally angry. I can’t seem to figure out my triggers. I also feel like I’m not good enough. I can never do anything well enough. My cooking isn’t good enough, I don’t keep a clean enough house, I’m not a good enough wife. I feel the need to excel at everything I do, or it’s not worth doing.  I don’t know how to fix this. Every single critisicim devastates me. Well, not every one. Constructive criticism is fine, but if I’m told something is not great or even good.  It kills me.

More Art Therapy

I may be posting quite a few of these. So, pardon me if you tire of them. Like I said earlier, they may not be good, but that isn’t the point. I don’t mean to be self-deprecating at all, really; it’s just that the point of all theses things is to express myself and let things out. Not to create art for anyone or for creating beautiful things. More

Finished, I think.

I think im satisfied with the drawing. I’ve fiddled with it, and have done as much to it as id like. I cant think of anything else I need to add. Please excuse any typos I’m posting from my kindle lol.

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Gallery

WIP

I’m working on a drawing. Here is the progress.  Its part of what is  in my Head. Part of my therapy is to express what is inside me through all mediums. I paint, draw, write. I do all sorts of arts and crafts. I may not be good at them all, but that isn’t the point now is it? I’ll post the words and the video to the song below the pictures. More

Weird trigger

My husband messaged me last night while I was out with some of my girlfriends. He asked me a seemingly innocuous question. He asked how many cookies I ate. I bought a package of peanut butter sandwich creme cookies, and both of us really like them. They are a treat for us. I had pretty much bought the package for him, but I asked if he could save me a couple. I had already ate two the previous night, and was leaving the rest for him. (there are only like 6 or 8 in the package). I started to panic when he asked me about it. I felt like I did when my dad asked me about food things. I would often get into trouble for eating things. Either because I wasn’t supposed to, or he ate something and forgot. I immediately asked him if I was in trouble, and he said no, that he was just wondering if he needed to save me any. I was so close to a panic attack. The knot was forming in my stomach. Its so dumb that food will cause me a panic attack. I get angry about food too. I’ll save things and get angry when someone else eats them. Ill order too much food at the drive thru, and get angry that I cant eat it all. I have a really unhealthy relationship with food, and I don’t want to pass it on. It’s all very strange.

Swift changes

Here is an example of how quickly things change when you are dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was doing great this morning. I was making waffles, having a good morning chatting with friends online. Before I realized what day it was (I never know what day it is, I look at my calendar multiple times a day) and that I had group therapy today I had planned on doing some gaming and cleaning. I’m going to put both off for a bit because they are both a form of escapism for me and not a great thing for me to do in my current headspace More

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